SAMPLE SUNDAY: Excerpt from COUGARS, INC.
SAMPLE SUNDAY: Excerpt from COUGARS, INC (vol. I):
Anita pressed the talk and speaker buttons on her phone so that she could converse as she toweled herself off. “Hey girl, how’d it go last night?” she asked.
“Nita, that’s the first and last blind date I ever do,” Barbara grumbled. “So what’re you up to?”
“You caught me coming out of the shower. So what happened?”
“First, the fool showed up over an hour late,” Barbara said. “And when I opened the door he’s standing there in a damn Ravens jersey and a baseball cap. That fool was dressed like I used to dress Marcus when I’d send him to kindergarten.”
Anita laughed. “Well, you said he was young, right?”
“He’s not that young. Twenty-nine is a grown ass man. I mean, I get that when a brother wants to kick back and chill he’ll dress down, okay? But we were supposed to be going out to dinner at Bistro 27. I’m not saying wear a suit to impress a sister on a first date, but damn – a football jersey? And he was wearing sneakers, Nita!”
Her body dried, Anita spread the towel on the bed. As she grabbed a jar of cocoa butter and sat down she said, “Hold up – you said supposed to be going out to dinner. You didn’t go?”
“Okay, check this out: First he apologized for being late. He said he was waiting on one of his boys because he needed to borrow his car. That was red flag number one. What man almost thirty doesn’t have a car, unless he lives in New York City? So I told him he should’ve called to let me know he was running late, and do you know what he said?”
“What?” Anita was already feeling sorry for her girl, but this was getting good.
“He said he’d run out of minutes on his phone. Okay, red flag number 2. He can’t get a regular cell phone?”
Anita shook her head as if Barbara could see her. “Oh, Lord!”
“I know, right? Anyway, so we go outside to his borrowed car, and I’m thinking how foolish I’m going to look in my sexy little black dress and pumps, looking like I’m taking my son out to eat. I mean there’s only twelve years difference in our ages, but he’s dressed like he was thirty years younger than me. That shit isn’t cute. I would’ve looked like one of those child-raping teachers you always hear about.”
“So that’s why you didn’t go to dinner with him?”
“Oh no, at that point I was still going to tough it out. I mean, I haven’t had any in so long I might’ve rolled with him if he was wearing Pampers. But as soon as we got in the car – and mind you he didn’t have enough courtesy to open the door for me – he was like, ‘Hey, I’ma need you to let me hold some gas money. My boy left me on fumes.’”
Anita cracked up listening to Barbara adding bass to her voice, trying to sound mannish when imitating her bad date. When she managed to stop laughing she asked, “So that’s when you kicked him to the curb?”
“I asked him if he didn’t have gas money, how was he gonna take me to dinner? And this fool said, ‘I was gonna let you get this one, and I’ll hit you next time, nah mean?’ So I got my ass outta the car because I wasn’t about to pay for his broke ass.”
“So you kicked him to the curb literally, huh?” Anita had to pause in the task of rubbing cocoa butter into her feet and legs to wipe mirthful tears from her eyes. She felt for her girl, but this was too funny.
“Nah, I let him come back in. He’s a bum but he’s a cute one, and like I said, it’s been a minute – a lot of damn minutes. I threw together some Hamburger Helper real quick.”
“Girl, get outta here! You fed him The Helper on a first date?”
“It wasn’t a dinner date anymore, Nita. This was charity. And that fool ate like a refugee. And that’s not all he ate.”
“Oh, no you didn’t!”
Two novellas hot enough to make your milk boil.
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